Aftermath
by Dmarx
Summary: Ever since she lifted the phone to her ear this morning and he said 'tell me you need me,' she's been acutely aware of just how badly she does need him. Alternate ending for 4x07. One shot.


**Aftermath**

 _"So, Old Haunt? I'll buy you a drink."_

 _"_ _No. But I_ _'_ _ll do you one better._ _"_

* * *

Dinner at the loft is a joyous affair. There's far more food than could ever reasonably be consumed by four people, and there's wine, and the four of them talk and laugh and stuff their faces like a family on Thanksgiving.

Her stomach twists as Kate realizes how she's become a part of their unorthodox family, how easily she fits into Castle's life.

And how very close this family came to being completely torn apart just a few short hours ago.

But then Martha is offering her more wine and Kate pushes the thoughts away and accepts with a smile. They're here to celebrate life, not linger on the details of what could have been.

But it's never far from her mind; and as Martha embraces her later that evening, Alexis too offering a hug and a soft "thank you" before wishing her a good night, everything comes tumbling back.

She thought he was dead.

The worst of the terror has faded, but she knows it will be a long time before she can close her eyes without imagining the alternative outcome of today's events. She also knows there are some things she needs to say before she leaves tonight. Not that she's in any hurry to go home, and as Castle passes her what remains of her wine as he leads them to the living room, it's plain to see that he's not ready for her to depart just yet either.

She murmurs his name as they sink into the sofa, Kate in the corner with her knees to her chest and Castle dropping down next to her, tucking one leg underneath himself and propping an elbow on the back of the cushion so he's facing her.

"Hmmm?" he hums as his eyes seek her out, and he cocks his head curiously as he waits for her to speak.

"What you said this morning on the phone," she begins, setting her wine glass aside. She's already had a glass and a half – and she needs it, if she's going to get through this conversation – but her fingers are holding the vessel so tightly she's afraid it will shatter.

"At the bank?" he asks, voice cracking on the word. It's going to be a while before he's able to walk into a bank again without panicking.

"When you first called," she clarifies. "And asked if I needed you."

"Oh, I, no...I just…I meant…" he hastily begins to explain.

"I know," she interrupts gently. "I know what you meant. But Rick?" The use of his first name draws his eyes to hers, so blue and full of love, and she forces herself to hold his gaze as she speaks, forces her voice to remain steady. "I do need you. More than I ever let myself admit."

His eyes widen in surprise at her confession, and he too sets aside his wine before he manages to spill it all over himself.

"You make me smile and laugh," Kate continues, and suddenly she's fighting back tears because she almost lost him this morning and since the moment she stormed the bank and found him alive, all she's wanted to do is fall into his arms and sob, allow the fear and relief and love to come spilling out. But there are some things he needs to hear before that can happen.

"You make my job more fun," she adds with a watery smile, and he offers a grin of his own in return. She pauses then, and he can tell she's gathering up the nerve for the true reveal, because the things she's just listed are sweet but they're not exactly earth-shattering.

"You make me want to be a better person."

And there it is.

"Kate…" he breathes.

She can hear the awe in his voice, but she can also tell from his tone that he's about to dispute her statement. She can hear him in her head saying something along the lines of _you are a good person_ , and yeah, maybe she's a good detective and a decent human being, but she's realized she still has a lot of personal issues to overcome before she'll be able to fall into the category of _good at being in a relationship_.

So Kate halts him with a raised hand before he can say more. "Just…please," she pleads.

She needs to get through this before any more of the terror and devastation of the explosion dissipates. The paralyzing fear from this afternoon is the only thing giving her the courage to speak these words, to open her heart in a way she never has before.

Castle dutifully falls silent, patiently waits her out. Always waiting.

"I went back to therapy," she confesses finally. "After my psych eval. You were right. I wasn't okay."

Kate pauses, fiddling with the side seam of her jeans as she struggles over her next words. The last thing she ever wants to do is hurt him but she's not sure how to say this without upsetting him.

"I told him I was fine," she eventually discloses. Her voice is tremulous and her eyes stay firmly fixed on the absent-minded motions of her fingers as she speaks. "So he'd clear me to go back to work. Told him I didn't remember anything from that day." She shakes her head almost imperceptibly. "But the truth is, I do remember."

"I, uh…" Castle stammers. "All of it?"

"Yes." She forces herself to find his gaze as the word leaves her mouth, watches the confusion cloud his eyes, the anger harden his jaw.

"You…" he begins.

She speaks at the same time. "I'm sorry."

Castle's arm slips from the back of the sofa to his side and he hangs his head, falls silent.

"It was selfish," Kate acknowledges. She drops her knees to the side, allowing her to reach out and cover his hands with her own, hoping to lessen the blow. He recoils at her touch, but she forces herself to continue her admission despite his rejection. Talking with Burke has helped her realize the unintentional consequences of her choice to keep this from him, and that he might not see her decision the same way she does. "But I couldn't separate what you said from the pain and nightmares and panic attacks. It just seemed better to pretend I didn't hear it until I was at a place where I could handle it."

"So you lied."

"Yes," she admits. It pains her to say it just as she knows it hurts him to hear it so bluntly.

"I always planned to tell you eventually," Kate continues when Castle doesn't speak. "Once I worked through everything. Once the wall I told you about came down and I was ready for us to be…more."

He doesn't reply, still won't meet her eyes, so Kate presses on. "But after today…" She pauses with a shake of her head, feels the tears pooling in her eyes again as her emotions come pouring out. "God, I thought I'd lost you. And I thought I'd never have a chance to tell you how much you mean to me."

That finally gets his attention, the desperation in her voice snapping him out of the broiling confusion and anger and drawing his gaze back to her. She's searching his face expectantly, eyes wide as a lone tear slips from one corner, catching in her lashes before blazing a path down her cheek. He wants to reach out and wipe it away but he's so stunned by her admission that he's frozen in place, utterly unable to move.

"I know we talked about this on the swings," she continues, voice softer now, but he can still hear the notes of panic around the edges. "But you have to know how much I want this. I want us to be together, Castle, and I'm trying _so hard_ to get to a place where I can give you everything."

Another tear breaks free and this time he does lift a hand, thumb so gentle against her cheek as he captures the droplet on his skin before his arm falls away

"I just want _you_ , Kate," he says, so full of conviction. "I fell in love with _you._ Exactly the way you are."

"I know," she whispers, reaching out to catch his hands, and this time he doesn't pull away. "But you were right about that too. That I don't let myself commit, that I have one foot out the door. My relationships never last, and I'd never forgive myself if we fell apart because of me."

God, he loves her. He didn't think it was possible to love her more than he already does. But hearing how much she wants this, hearing that she's trying to be better for him, _for them_ …he's wholly amazed. And maybe she's not yet at a point where she can say the words, but he knows now that she feels it too.

He takes advantage of their joined hands, tugs gently and she falls into him easily. Kate buries her face in his chest and her arms slide around his lower back as his rise to embrace her, palms spreading like wings across her shoulder blades.

Castle releases a shaky breath and she can feel the relief rolling off of him in waves, can hear the rapid rhythm of his heart fluttering in his chest. Her own heart is beating quickly too but now it's as much from the waning adrenaline as from the feeling of being in his arms.

"I just…I don't know what to say," he finally admits in a choked voice.

"Just say that you'll keep waiting," she whispers against his chest, and butterflies erupt in her stomach in anticipation, because he loves her and she loves him too and she just knows they're going to be so amazing. "And I promise, I'll be there as soon as I can."

"God yes, Kate," he breathes, hugging her more tightly. "Of course."

She stays curled into his chest, breathing him in and reveling in this newfound closeness. She may not be ready yet, but they've taken an important step forward tonight, and she feels emotionally closer to him as a result.

Castle continues to hold her, running his fingers up and down the line of her spine. He can feel the taut muscles of her back and the ridges of her vertebrae through the thin fabric of her shirt as his hand travels its repeated path. He loves her contradictions; slim but strong, resilient but vulnerable, fiercely private but so open with him tonight.

She's trembling against him, or maybe he's the one who's shaking; he's not sure anymore. All he knows with certainty is that when she walked out of the bank dressed as a medic he never thought he'd see her again, and now she's here in his arms and he's going to savor it absolutely as long as he can.

He knows that in a few minutes, she'll inevitably slip from his embrace, return to the comfort of her apartment for the night. And he'll let her go, because she's not yet ready to stay.

But one day soon, she'll be back in his loft, in his arms.

And when that moment arrives, he knows that at the end of the evening he won't have to let her go.

* * *

 **END**

* * *

 _Thoughts?_


End file.
